LIFE UPDATE

Well, I guess I’m starting a blog. (Hello, 1999.)

Honestly, between you and me, I’m writing this blog for my son. One day, many years from now, I want him to be able to read about my journey. How, after losing Henry, I went from a very, very dark place - where I went to bed every night wishing I wouldn’t wake up in the morning - to not only finding the light, but learning how to become a light. A light that reminds my son that the darkest time of your life isn’t the end of the story. Suffering can be the catalyst for profound change, recentering, and the emergence of something greater. I’m not there yet, but that’s the goal, and that’s the exact journey that I want to write about here - directly and indirectly. So, on that note, here we go.

I’m going to fumble with the mechanics of the actual posting. For now, it’ll go out in my newsletter, and then I’ll post it here. But I’ll figure it out.

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The woods, my happy place. 🌱

It’s been a while! Here is my catching-up newsletter.

As I write this, it’s July 21. Less than one month of summer break remains.

The Good: I’ve had an unusual number of things happening with my work, so it’s been very busy on that front. But first, I should rewind.

Last autumn, after the first anniversary of Henry’s death, I decided that, business-wise, I wasn’t waiting around anymore for things to happen for me. The phrase "a fire lit under her ass" had nothing on what I felt. I made a declaration: I was going to make a massive business pivot. Immediately after this grand declaration, my poor (absolutely incredible) agent received an onslaught of emails from me outlining my plan and asking, "What else can we do to really move the needle?"

Fast forward, I wrote two books in ~6 months—one to fulfill my current contract with my publisher, and one to explore new opportunities. I honestly don’t know how I did it. It takes me that long to write just one book. But I did it, and somehow having two massive projects on my plate at once helped carry me through the awful holiday season and dreary Jan/Feb months.

Publishing is slow. As in, glacially slow. Just now, roughly a year after my grand declaration, I’m beginning to finally see the fruits of that labor.

I am currently waiting to hear back on one big opportunity, while wrapping up final edits of my 2027 release, which I’m super excited about. In addition, I’ve had some incredibly exciting things happen with the foreign side of my business—with both future and backlist books (Hallo Deutschland!). And finally, even some inquiries with film/TV. (Long shot, yes, but it is still awesome.)

All this has been a reminder to me: 1. BE BOLD. If you truly feel stagnant, or worse, sliding backwards, you are the only person who can turn that around. It is your job to voice your thoughts and concerns to the powers that be. BE. BOLD. It is uncomfortable, and comes with so much second-guessing, but I've learned that doors don't open because we quietly hope they will. They open because we swallow our pride, banish our nerves, and knock (for me, keep knocking!).

And 2. The things God is weaving in your life right now—today, this very second—are setting you up for something in the future. All you have to do is listen, obey, and trust. (Easier said than done, I know.)

I’ll keep you updated on all the things. I enjoy sharing my journey with you!

The Bad: About 4 months ago, I slipped into a really really dark place. It had been a year and a half since we lost Henry, and not only does it feel like the grief doesn’t get any better, there are times where it shockingly feels like it gets worse. How is that even possible? It was like my body finally said: “I am done with this. Whatever this is, Amanda, I want nothing else to do with it.”

My nervous system completely maxed out.

For me the depths of depression was never lying in bed all day with the lights out, it's been constantly fighting to keep going, even when I feel like I am literally dying inside (literally). I will still get up in the wee hours of the morning to work out every day, I will settle in behind the damn computer and write 2 books in 6 months, I will force myself to laugh with my family, I will force myself to take my walks. And my body finally said: “Absolutely not. See ya.”

It got so bad we called a family meeting. “Mom is going through a rough time, and she needs to focus on getting better. She needs as little stimulation as possible. She’s going to stay home a lot, in her safe place, until she gets better.”

Since then, I’ve met with all the doctors, been tested for everything (I was certain I was dying of some yet-to-be-discovered cancer), and confirmed that I am not, in fact, dying. Instead, in addition to my anxiety disorder, I have "complex grief/trauma, PTSD, and moderate to severe depression." (You should have seen me argue with him over the depression diagnosis.)

I’ve made some adjustments since then, and things seem to be slowly improving. They're certainly not good, but they're not as bad as they were 4 months ago. Next month marks 2 years since we lost Henry, so there’s the awful anticipation of that.

To anyone who has lost a child, I feel you in my cells. I feel for you, and I feel with you. And human to human, I love you. I won't tell you we're going to get through this. I don't know that we ever do. But I will tell you this: we are not alone. Also, this life is just a blip. There is so much more than this world—more than what we can see, touch, and understand. And I have this feeling that everything I've been searching for, everything that truly means anything at all, exists in that "other" space. And why am I smiling right now?

Now I’m sitting here contemplating going into what has become the focus, light, and lifeline of my life: my faith. As you know, I began immersing myself in the Bible not long after my world was obliterated and I told God I was done with Him. I say immersing because it hasn’t been just reading the words, it’s been in-depth studying—as if I were studying for a massive test… … haha… ironic wording there, isn’t it? Anyway, I began with page one of the Old Testament, and yesterday, I officially finished the OT. Over a year it took. This week I begin the New Testament. To say that God has shown up for me since I began learning about Him and began being an active participant in my faith is an understatement. The amount of crazy God moments I have experienced lately… honestly…. it would be almost unbelievable if I were to put it all here. This newsletter is long already, so perhaps I’ll save details of my journey for another time. Or whenever He nudges me.

Until then, eyes to see, ears to hear.

Well, how was that? There you go. An official raw and very personal update.